Jokes (oldies)

Lettura consigliata solo a chi apprezzi affermazioni tipo “PEBCAK: Problem exists between chair and keyboard (i.e., it’s your fault, stupid)” oppure “I/O error: Ignorant-operator error.”

Mi sono ritrovato un po’ di vecchi file e ho deciso di copincollare in situ. Son tantine, andrebbero centellinate…

  • There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
  • There are 10 types of people in the world – those who know binary and those who have friends
  • There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, those who don’t, and those who knew we were using ternary.
  • A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in uman history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
  • Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.
  • Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
  • Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
  • An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”
  • Q: Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
    A: Because 25 DEC == 31 OCT
  • Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor

  • In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
  • Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. It’s a hardware problem.
  • Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”
    The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”
    “Please excuse my friend,” the second string says. “He isn’t null-terminated.”
  • “I’m not interrupting you, I’m putting our conversation in full-duplex mode.”
  • A logician tells a colleague his wife just had a baby.
    – Is it a boy or a girl?
    – Yes.
  • A cop pulls over Werner Heisenberg and says, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?” 
    Heisenberg responds, “NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am.”
  • Lotteries are a tax on people who suck at math.
  • Q: Did you hear about the Coder that got stuck in his shower for a week?
    A: The instructions on his shampoo said: Lather, rinse, repeat.
  • 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
  • If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0
  • Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. It’s a hardware problem.
  • Q: How many IBM Processors does it take to execute a job?
    A: Four. Three to hold it down, and one to rip it’s head off.
  • Q: How can you tell if a geek is extroverted?
    A: He stares at your shoes.
  • Windows: Just another pane in the glass
  • Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.
  • Most people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
    Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet
  • Definition of an upgrade: old bugs out, new ones in.
  • procrastinators are the leaders of tomorrow !
  • Before linux I had no social life, no friend and my computer always crashed…  Now my computer no longer crashes…
  • Girls are like domain names : the best ones are already taken…
  • Cats have 9 lives,  Geeks have 2 : IRL and ingame…
  • linux: loose your time
    mac: loose your money
    windows: loose your money and your time
  • In God we trust, all others we virus scan
  • Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption !
  • A Life ? Cool ! Where can I download one of those ?
  • A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
    The Physicist: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”
    The Biologist: “They have reproduced”.
    The Mathematician: “If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again”.
  • Ascii stupid question, get a stupid Ansi?
  • A doctor, a civil engineer and a programmer are discussing whose profession is the oldest. “Surely medicine is the oldest profession,” says the doctor.
    “God took a rib from Adam and created Eve and if this isn’t medicine I’ll be…”   
    The civil engineer breaks in: “But before that He created the heavens and the earth from chaos. Now that’s civil engineering to me.”
    The programmer thinks a bit and then says: “And who do you think created chaos?”
            • Time for my prayers:
              Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
              May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
              May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
              Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
              And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
              Please don’t give us root access on some poor d00d’z box when we’re too pissed off to think about what’s right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we’d appreciate it.
              For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.
        • co /dev/pub/pint > /dev/girl
          mv /dev/girl /dev/house
          mount /dev/girl
          touch
          unzip
          finger
          fsck
          yes
          yes
          y es
          umount girl
          zip
          sleep
          or… Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
        • A CS student in his first semester may think a kilobyte contains 1000 bytes. In his last semester he will think that a kilometer contains 1024 meters.
        • State-of-the-art : Any computer you can’t afford.
        • Obsolete – Any computer you own.
        • Syntax Error – Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
        • GUI (pronounced gooey) – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
        • Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors
        • Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate
        • Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer
        • Portable Computer – A device invented to force business people to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.
        • Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
        • 10 SIN
          20 GOTO HELL
        • Can a Boolean-evaluated conditional expression achieve orgasm? Yes. It comes after a while()
        • Known issue: As in “That’s a known issue”. In other words, you’re the 4,000th person who’s called about this problem in the past week–and no, we haven’t fixed it.
        • Do church servers have mass storage?
        • Q: Why is religion like a programming language?
          A: It’s all about the sin tax.

 

Ed ora le tre barzellette che mi sono sempre piaciute di più…

(1)

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading “WHERE AM I?” and hold it up for the building’s occupants to see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer.”

The passenger continued, “You must have been in marketing before you became a pilot.”

“Yes, I was, how did you know!” the pilot replied.

“Because you didn’t know where you were or what you were doing, but expected the computer tech to be able to help you. After he answered your question, you were in the same situation as before, but then you decided it was his fault.”

(2)

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd… “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?” The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.” The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says……. “You have exactly 1586 sheep.”

“That is correct; take one of the sheep.” said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?” “OK, why not.” answered the young man. “Clearly, you are a consultant.” said the shepherd. “That’s correct.” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

”No guessing required.” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business…. Now give me back my dog.”

(3)

One day, and engineer comes up to the gates of hell. The Devil takes a look at him and says, "Well, we’ve never had an engineer in hell before, but I guess we can take you in." So the engineer goes in.
After a few days, he comes up to the Devil and says, "I’m sure you’ve noticed, but it’s really hot down here! What do you think of setting up a couple of refrigeration coils, getting an icebox set up so we could have iced drinks down here?" Now, the Devil hears this and says, "Why not? If you can set it up, go for it!"
So the engineer gets some tools together, works for a little bit, and sets up his little icecube maker, and soon the engineer, the Devil, and everyone else is enjoying ice cubes in their drinks, and everyone thinks it’s a great improvement.
Couple of days later, the engineer comes back to the Devil and says, "Well, I’m impressed by how big Hell is – there are so many people here! But it takes so long to get from place to place – how about I install some people-movers? I can put in escalaters, elevators, moving ramps, the works!" The Devil takes a sip of his ice marguarita, and says, "Sure, give it a shot."
As the engineer works, the souls in Hell start getting around easier – there are elevators, escalators, all sorts of people-movers! It gets to be quite convenient to get around Hell.
After that project, the engineer comes up to the Devil and says, "I’ve been thinking about tackling the heat down here – ice drinks are all well and good, but it’s still bloody hot! How about it?" The Devil at this point returns, "Anything you need, you got it!"
Two weeks later, the first stage of the cooling system goes on-line, and all the damned souls breath a sigh of relief as the heat wave finally breaks. At this point, God comes down to talk to the Devil, and tells him there’s been a mistake: "That engineer you’ve got doesn’t belong in Hell – he was meant for Heaven!"
Now, the Devil wasn’t about to let his first engineer go! He returns, "Oh, come on – once he’s in those gates, he’s Mine! That’s the way it works, and you know it!"</p>  <p>God tells him, "Well, you’re just gonna have to return him! If you don’t, I’ll, I’ll – I’ll sue you, is what I’ll do!"
The Devil knows he’s won – he leans back, cocky as all hell, and asks, "Now, where you gonna find a Lawyer in Heaven?"